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Old 22 Dec 2005, 17:11 (Ref:1488804)   #1
Jim Lamb
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It's nearly time for the 'Twas the Night Before Xmas' Thread!

In advance of Xmas Eve I thought about the 'Twas The Night Before Xmas' thread that has appeared previously in the Forum, so went searching for the Marshals version? But couldn't find it, does anyone have a copy?

I have included the text of the Original.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the lustre of midday to objects below,
when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Dasher! Now Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"


As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
so up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.


He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"


Clement Clarke Moore, 1823.


Merry Christmas & very Happy New Year.

Stay safe out there,

Regards,

Jim
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Old 22 Dec 2005, 18:38 (Ref:1488847)   #2
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Don't Panic

click HERE ?
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Old 22 Dec 2005, 20:11 (Ref:1488891)   #3
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What an opportunity to cover all those folk to whom we haven't sent a Christmas Card, for whatever reason (most likely, no address)

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

See you all in 2006 (around about March which is about when we defrost).

Shelagh & Bill
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Old 23 Dec 2005, 00:10 (Ref:1489029)   #4
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I feel a merge coming on...

Merry Christmases in t'other thread. General motor sport re-lyricising in Parc Ferme, marshals specific words in here.

There was definitely a marshals poem once, somewhere. Wasn't there?
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Old 23 Dec 2005, 02:38 (Ref:1489065)   #5
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There was...I read it...I'm sure...I think!
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Old 23 Dec 2005, 03:34 (Ref:1489077)   #6
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found it!!!

http://tentenths.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30710
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Old 23 Dec 2005, 21:54 (Ref:1489481)   #7
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Posted by; Wensleydale.
found it!!!

http://tentenths.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30710
Well done Wensley' that's the one I was thinking of. I couldn't find it anywhere.

Merry Xmas All.

Rgrds Jim
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Old 19 Dec 2006, 11:42 (Ref:1794551)   #8
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And so it began

Twas the night before shipping
And all through the house
Not a program was working,
Not even the mouse

The engineers hung by their monitors bright,
With hopes of a miracle soon within sight
The customers nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of progress danced in their heads

When out of the testbed there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six pack of beer)

His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit pusher's flair
More rapid than eagles, his routines they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name

On Update! On Body! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! and on with Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon made it know I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk;

And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
The system came up and then worked perfectly
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired and closing completed

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary an Append, thus all had gone well
The job was now finished, the tests were concluded,
The engineer's last changes were even included

"Heh!", the customer exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

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Old 21 Dec 2006, 13:12 (Ref:1796813)   #9
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Business as usual

Organizational Changes at the North Pole
-----------------------------------------------------

TO: Public release
RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph 'a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load' was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ('thirteen lawyers-a-suing') action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

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Old 21 Dec 2006, 20:15 (Ref:1797068)   #10
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Bear

You have too much time on your hands. But you use it well!
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Old 21 Dec 2006, 20:37 (Ref:1797091)   #11
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Reply

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatapalaver
Bear

You have too much time on your hands. But you use it well!
Thank you. For more of my `handywork' visit the PF Joke thread.
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Old 22 Dec 2006, 08:26 (Ref:1797410)   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thebear
Thank you. For more of my `handywork' visit the PF Joke thread.
Been there, done that.

Keep up the good work.
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Old 23 Dec 2006, 03:16 (Ref:1798081)   #13
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Business as usual

A Networkologist's Christmas

"'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown.
I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed.
Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.

Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run
On 84 desktops way down in accounting.
I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I saw that a server had something the matter.
There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
"No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5."

But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
"No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank."
And then I discovered my backups were blank.

The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
I started to scream! I started to shout!
But nobody heard as I vented my rage.
My gurus were all on vacation those days.

And nobody's tech support answered the phone.
I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone.
When out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock.

"What's your problem?" he asked.
"Never mind, friend, I know.
I checked out your network five hours ago.
I did some proactive analysis, so

I knew that this time bomb was going to blow."
Who was this guy? Who did he think he was?
He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.

His smile cut down personal distance between us.
He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
"Whoever configured this network's a jerk,"
He said with a :-) as he quickly rebooted,

Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied
With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
That went via wireless, I think, LEO,

To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
"Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!"
He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
"Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!

Technology often looks just like some magic
To people who don't understand what we do.
Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
Look at the protocols, check one or two,

Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!"
My data was back! Every system checked out!
Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.
"How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"

He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick,
If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing,
And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING."
And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
"Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"

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Old 23 Dec 2006, 08:58 (Ref:1798164)   #14
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Thought I'd share this with you all.

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

With Christmas almost upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to forward me emails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes - because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the £1,500,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Happy Christmas anyway!!! I hope you have an excellent Christmas & Santa brings you all you wish for.

Kind Regards

Trev
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Old 23 Dec 2006, 13:19 (Ref:1798294)   #15
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Holiday Happenings

Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

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