Champ Car Fantasy Racing Grid

[MichaelC]

Originally posted by marcus
enjoy and may the best man or women win [/B]

Oh, I shall. No need to be worrying there...

[elephino]

Hesketh Racing Press Release 1

Hesketh Racing are saddened to note that they were not invited to the caning

Hesketh Racing Press Release 2

Hesketh racing are please to announce the announcement of a press officer. Greg Murphy will join the team.
"I will enjoy the new challenge of being a press officer," said Greg.
"He looked lonely on the front step of the building after being dumped from his previous team and we couldn't get rid of him so we hired him," said elephino.

Greg Murphy
Press Officer

[elephino]

Hesketh Racing Press Release

After some influence from the new Press Officer, Hesketh Racing are announcing a change in driver line up. Christiano da Matta will be replaced by New Zealander, Scott Dixon.

Greg Murphy
Press Officer

[MichaelC]

Team SkidMarks Press Release:

9/1/2001: For Immediate Release

Latest CART racing sensation Team SkidMarks are pleased to announce they have completed their backup team with the appointment to the position of Chief PitBabe of Doris the Tea Lady, formerly with Band Aid Team Dangerous.

Press Officer William Clinton said "We're pleased that Doris has agreed to join us at 'Fisher-Price Team SkidMarks Toyota'. Doris (56) brings many years experience of Looking Attractive, Aimlessly Jumping Up And Down, Holding An Umberella Even When It's Not Raining and Leaning Provocatively Over Cars, all of which are skills vital to the development and future success of Fisher Price Team SkidMarks Toyota" He later went on to deny rumours of a relationship of any kind with Doris.

[bella]

'team dangerous tea lady stolen'

band aid team dangerous have recruited maureen as their new tea lady. team principle bella said 'i wish doris every success, but it's a terrible shame she had to go to the opposition. needless to say, we think maureen will be an excellent replacement, as she has knowledge of herbal teas that doris could only dream of.'

in another development, rumours have surfaced about a possible third driver for team dangerous. alex tagliani is being mentioned, along with helio castro neves. however, if no decision is reached, bella may strech to another team and a second franchise. proposed sponsorship comes from elastoplast, you build 'em, we destroy 'em demolition firm, and bizarrely, the care bears.

[senna12]

WESCAN RACING, in an effort to remain in the news when nothing much is happening, today made the following announcements;
The current "no punting or spearing" agreement between Paul and Michael will be extended to include new member "Tags" Tagliani. Alex has also agreed to act as a gofer for our senior drivers, in return for the sharing of technical information, and first dibs on pit babe Caprice Bourrett.

Due to some bad press on the home front regarding the teams apparently sexist attitude, Wescan has hired a "pit boy" to counter these accusations. Speedvision commentator and former SCCA racer Dorsey Schroeder will be the teams new "racing liason", responsible for maintaining team peace and goodwill everywhere.

The team is also pleased to announce an agreement with SONY, who has agreed to supply the team with Playstations and a full menu of Racing games for practicing on off days.

[Airhead]

Press Release: Team Aggression Maximisation.

Team Aggression Maximisation race strategist and all round "out there guy" Hunter S Thompson has developed the ultimate in focussing techniques for our drivers Paul Tracey and Mikey Andretti.

It involves the bannishment of all wives, girl friends, mistresses, tea ladies, pit babes etc from the training camp being held in the Simpson Desert in inland Australia. The NO SEX rule is in force until the first race of the season. The major testosterone enhancing feature of lesson one is to have the only woman within 1000 square miles (me) parade around daily in the patented "fear and loathing" G string dining suit whilst reading pieces from one of Hunter's journals.

When the agression factor reaches 100% saturation - to let off steam the whole crew gets loaded (literally) on spirits and amphetamines and walks out to the porch to shoot rounds into the wilderness from gold plated 44 Magnums.

Team Aggression Maximisation "We're Gunning For Ya"

Love

Pamela Anderson Lee etc etc

[Liz]

Love the website, Karma Racing!

-----------------

FROM THE RACE COMMISSIONER'S DESK
[The Commissioner having gone down the pub for a quick one or several]

1. After some work on the spreadsheets for the 2001 Racing Season, it was realised that no rules had been made regarding points for cars and engines. Therefore, it is proposed that these categories be scored at the end of the season, with points being awarded according to the finishing of the engine and chassis manufacturers in the Constructors' Championship, e.g. 10 points for a top finish, 5 for a second place finish and 2 for a third place finish. Suggestions are solicited if this doesn't suit the membership.

2. Suggestions will be considered regarding whether or not to give points for Nations Cup finishes.

3. All Changes in Pilot, Engine and Chassis for each team must be completed by March 1. This will enable the Race Commissioner to get the spreadsheets finished before the season starts. Any teams added after the season begins will be permitted no changes in any points paying positions.

Resume Speed. Thank you.

[Warwick]

Team Cheviotwould like to confirm their entry for the 2001 season.
Official Motto : Its not whether you win or lose,
Its how many cars you wreck.

Official Sponsor : Steinlager.
Drivers : Scott Dixon,Kenny Brack,Helio Casto Neves.
Chassis : Lola.
Engine : Honda.
Pit Babe : Xena,also in charge of team disicpline.
Press Officer : Bart Simpson
Press Release
As Steinlager is the official currency of NZ we intend to pay the drivers in it,it will also be made available to the drivers before,during,and after the races,we feel this will make the drivers more relaxed and enhance their performance!

[Airhead]

Press Release: Team Aggression Maximisation

It was announced today that the secret paramilitary training camp attended by the staff of TAM had been raided by the Police Drug Squad. "The place was like turned upside down man" said race strategist Hunter S Thompson. "But the guys with major social adjustment problems and small $#%^& couldn't find a thing".

All reports that this has caused a disruption to the training program of Michael "hey, we had him first" Andretti and Paul "why am I so suddenly popular" Tracey have been -= well you know, like over done man.

So it's back to the sexual tension of doing without, and the force feeding of chemicals that as yet have been only been given FDA approval for vetinary usage.

Pammy, where are you babe? We need money for bail!

[Koffe]

Hi here is my team:

Team: Nordstrom Racing
Chassi: Lola
Engine: Ford
Driver: Kenny Bräck and Bruno Junquiera

[Liz]

Welcome Teams Cheviot and Nordstrom Racing. You are Teams 21 and 22.

If Team Maximum Agression is as busy on the track as they are in the press, they should be well toward the front of the grid in no time at all!

[senna12]

Liz, I mean Ms. Commissioner, if we're going to give Nations Cup points, then we'll have to handicap the Brazilians!! According to CART.com, there are currently 11 Brazilian drivers on the list this year!! (I thought I followed things fairly closely, but who the heck is Max Wilson??!!!)

[marcus]

max Wilson..ex F3000 driver signed to drive for the new "sigma" team..touted as being a pretty good driver....sorry thats all I know.

[bella]

team dangerous announce official website -

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND - bella, team boss of team dangerous wishes to announce to imminent arrival of the official team dangerous website. coming in the following months...

*team info
*driver psycho-babble
*polls
*championship standings
*news
*other pants you never knew you wanted to know

bella
team dangerous
drive it like you borrowed it...

[GM99]

Hey I'm the rookie here, but I'm in !

Team: Team Canada
Drivers: Paul Tracy & Patrick Carpentier
Chassis: Reynard
Engine: Honda
Press Officer: Claude Bourbonnais

Cars sponsored by Labatts and Nortel

[GM99]

OFFICAL "TEAM CANADA" PRESS RELEASE: JAN 11 2001

We wish to announce that after negotiations with sponsors the team will be presenting our cars with the zipper affect like BAR in formula one (half the car Labatts and half the car Nortel)
Press Officer: Claude Bourbonnais

[Liz]

Welcome Team Canada - You are Team No. 23.

I am also posting an entry for a work mate who will register tomorrow:

Team Studley Do-Right!

Team Owner: Manjeet Singh
Driver 1: Alexandre Tagliani
Driver 2: Adrian Fernandez
Engine: Honda
Chasis: Reynard

Pit Babes: Keanu Reeves and Harrison Ford

Team Studley Do-Right is Team 24.

------------

We'll only include Nations Cup points if everyone Or most people vote for them. Otherwise not. Rules will be final as of March 1, 2001; feel free to propose rule changes if you think of anything that would make the game more fun.

[Airhead]

Team Agression Maximisation Press Release: The Gonzo Way

Dateline Friday 2015 hours daylight saving time.

It's an ill wind that blows somebody no good and it looks like it comin' our way. To increase the focussing capacity of the Sexual Tension approach to Driver Training and Development (please see lesson one), Hunter S. has tied Michael and Paul back to back, gagged them with gaffer tape and started playing his collection of bluegrass classics at TEN TENTHS!

Yes sweet readers a steamy night in the Australian desert is pierced by the sounds of "Banjo Therapy" - patent pending (move over Louise Hayes this one's out to get ya)Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs signing up a storm while Hunter S, stark naked and full of Amphetamines and bad manners chases Pammy around in front of the hapless pair of drivers.

The 250 milers are a walk in the park after 12 hours of this aggrevation.

Of interest to the few team members tentatively clinging to what passes as sanity on a mini mental health assessment - is the apparent abscence of the great man, sorry, The Great Man, Allan Moffat. Surely he's not going to leave the party to form another Ford powered team...

[elephino]

Hesketh Racing Press Release

Fuji Film has come onboard with Hesketh Racing as during 2000, the team owner kept Fuji in business.

Greg Murphy
Press Officer

[Marshal]

Team Twinkle Press Release

"Team Twinkle are preparing for the new season, by spending a month on the beach in Bali. The team principle said "What better way for Jimmy, Roberto and Kenny to form a strong team bond than relaxing together whilst enjoying the company of Ms. Crawford (press officer) and Ms. Lopez (Pit Babe). And besides we'd best enjoy Wrippoff & Leggits sponsorship money before the taxman catches up with them"

The team also noted with amusement TMG's training methods and hope that their cars are well insured."

Cindy Crawford - Press Officer - Team Twinkle

[Airhead]

Strung down and out in the ugly depths of the Gonzo method...

We're wired for action baby, like ready to get down and dirty with you pussies (or is that pussy's)the art of abstainence raised to the point of torture is the answer.

Hands up who voted for Nixon... get out of here Hunter.

Camera swings with crash zoom to middle aged strung out guy inhaling cement dust while Pammy exclaims, "I don't feel no different yet Hunter". Isn't this usually used to soak up oil?

[Larsen]

A new theme for Xterminator Racing has been choosen. The Pink Panther anthem has been chosen to honour the team members. However this does not mean that the cars are going to be pink as the drivers refused that! Oh well, maybe next year!

[robert2000]

Team Alphasports would like to confirm their entry in the 2001 CART World Series

Drivers : Zanardi, Minassian
Chassis : Lola
Engine : Ford

[Airhead]

Press Release: Team Agression Maximisation - Gonzomania

Bella,

We who expected better from the likes of you, have visited your web site - only to find that the Premier Team in the fantasy league have been excluded from the vote! This requires your urgent attention, Pammy is getting all mealey mouthed about the gear she is wearing and Hunter S. is downright complaining about the gear going up his nose.

I can feel the need for some intrathecal led therapy -(bullets you idiots) for the PR team.

Meanwhile team drivers, "Paul the magnificent" and "Michael the also appearing in the cast" have been taken to the beach for an increase in the Sexual Tension Approach to driver training and development. The Banjo's only being able to do so much harm, it's time to resort to more drastic measures....