Champ Car Fantasy Racing Grid

[Minardi fan]

This just in from Vicki-Butler Henderson:

"The Gonk Racing boys have been running their new cars around the street of Toronto. Unfortunately, we were not informed that the streets of Toronto would be full of cars. And people."

Official testing times:

1. Max Papis 5hrs 34mins 45secs
2. Toranosuke Takagi -no time- -wheel fell off, killed a small flock of pigeons nearby-
3. Shinji Nakano -no time- -took wrong turn, currently lost somewhere in America's mid-west.-

[senna12]

Last week, in a morale and character building excercise, team members spent a week in the Siberian wilderness, on a winter hunt. The team chose this particular location because we were on a hunt for our new team mascot, the very rare and fierce Siberian Tiger Rabbit, known to be as fierce as the wolverine, but a lot faster.
Trapping this dangerous beast had never been tried before, but with the help of local farmers around Lake Baikal, the team was able to trap and photograph this rare animal. Russian law does not allow the removal of these animals from the country, so we have mounted a series of large photographs in beautiful frames, and hung them at various team locations. The team has posted a picture of this wonderful and rare animal on their website, and invites fellow challengers to visit and see this animal, and take the time to answer the teams' new web poll.(when it's working!!) Comments (clean ones!) are welcome in the guest book.
The team has returned to testing on all fronts. No-one got frostbite, Paul, Cristiano, and Tora are working well together, engineers are pleased, and early test times are promising.

http://www.wescanracing.homestead.com/wescanracing.html

keep rollin',rollin',rollin'

[sgastdn]

Official Press Release – Team Dubya

Team Dubya would like to announce their involvement in the upcoming CART series. Copious sponsorship is provided by ‘Sparkies – for quality electric chairs’ and ‘High & Higher – for the cheapest pharmaceuticals in Texas’.

Drivers Alex Zanardi, Dario Franchitti and Scott Dixon

Engine: Honda
Chassis: Reynard

Pit Babes: Denise Richards and Neve Campbell

Press Officer: C.J. Cregg

Team President/Principal/Manager: George W. Bush

[Liz]

Welcome Team Dubya. You are Team 35.

As for the makeup of your team, the Race Commissioner's compliments and a request to please remember this is not a political forum.

[hoffy]

***Press release****

Due to some Randy little scotsman spending all our money at Lulu's, team HOFFSPEED is officially suspending testing until futher notice.

On a brighter note, team Hoffspeed took delivery of its 2001 race cars. Unfortunatly they have yet to be unpacked, cause some little Mexican can't keep away from thebubble wrap and wont let anyone near the cars.

Back to Lulu's

[Airhead]

Excert from AutoAction, by I.M. Bored.

The gathering of assorted press freeloaders were amazed today when the planned press conference by Team Agression Maximisation went anything but to plan.

Prior to an official word being spoken, before the official press release could be read by the Team Principal Allan "Great Man" Moffat, the following exchange took place between Moffat and Hunter S Thompson the team's often abscent (often chemically enhanced) Press Officer.

Thompson:
"Look I've been told that your wasting time man, playing on the net"
Moffat:
"Who told you this? Pammy?"
Thompson:
"It doesn't matter, but you couldn't just download porn like all the rest, no that would be too simple wouldn't it. You had to join a motor racing forum."
Moffat:
"There's no law against it"
Thompson:
"Hey, you piece of dog's vomit, I went in there and looked OK? People call you MUFFY for Christ's sake. And you've got this unhealthy fixation on some German looser who's never driven a stock car."
Moffat:
"I was hoping to keep this quiet, away from the team you know"
Thompson:
"Well don't get any other ideas, from now on I'm doing the Press Releases!"

The following was the Press Release read by Thompson - all rambling hair, shotting spittle and open fly - to the assembled throng.

"Paul Tracey has been practicing and I'm here to tell ya the menace is loose again, the hundred carat headline, running fast and loud on the early morning racetrack, low in the seat, jamming crazy through the gears, oblivion sitting as his invisible passenger, 190 mph down the outside groove....like Ghengis Khan on an iron horse, a monster steed with firey anus, flat out through the eye of a beer can and up your daughter's leg..."

Now that stated Thompson, is a Press Release!

To which Moffat got very mealey mouthed indeed. There's no way of knowing where this one will end.

[bella]

stella international racing in association with band aid team dangerous wishes their number one driver christian fittipaldi all the best with the new missus. we hope they have lots of very fast children, whom we will sign first.

big cheese bella wishes to add that christian should be back from his honeymoon soon, and if we catch him sneaking off behind the bikesheds, then there will be trouble. welchers will be rewarded.

on a happier note, lost team dangerous driver nicolas minassian was found after a lengthy search in a treehouse, sorry, conference room, bella insisted should be built at the end of the garden, almost a kilometre away from the team's purpose built big wideboy factory. after much negotiations, involving subscriptions to autosport and lifetime membership to camera, the campaign for real ale, nicolas came down, and agreed to test the new wheels out. oh, he says he was very impressed, and that he's going to pulp the lot of you.

meanwhile, stella international racing has expanded its aesthetic division. it now involves the car paint job, and the mechanic's gear. colour schemes will be announced in due course.

bella
team dangerous
stella international racing.

[Marshal]

Team Twinkle - Press Release

"Team Twinkle have just returned from an extended team bonding session in the Maldives to discover "Wrippoff and Leggitt - A FOCA company" have lived up to their name. Unfortunately this has lead to a shortfall in sponsorship as the replacement sponsor, The Swan Inn, Tockington, couldn't provide quite the same level of financial support.

This has lead to a very difficult decision being made, either we had to release one of our drivers, or Jennifer Lopez, our pit babe. After a brief management meeting the decision was made and Jimmy was shown the door. We wish Jimmy every success this year and feel that he should be too upset as he's still driving for 3 other teams!

Just to confirm that line for you again,

Drivers

Moreno
Brack

Sponsor

The Swan Inn, Tockington

Chassis

Lola

Engine

Honda

Pit Babe

Jennifer Lopez"

Cindy Crawford, Press Officer, Team Twinkle

[mtpanorama]

******PRESS RELEASE......... TEAM GONADS******

It is a sad day for the crew of Team GONADS. Our pit babe Dame Edna Everidge (hello possums) was killed today in a testing accident at the Shaddy Acres Retirement Villiage.

Details are sketchy at this stage, but it appears Dame Edna became involved in an argument with one of the residents.
It appears one of the old codgers (elderly gentleman) started carrying on that his electric wheelchair was faster than our PAL Dogfood Toyota Reynard. Dame Edna has taken offence to this a jumped into Nicoals' car after he had completed his session. Dame Edna roared off across the test track and lost control at turn one (around the rose garden) and speared straight into the dinning room where lunch was geing served. when rescuers got there it was a mess of pureed steak and vegetables with false teeth scattered all over the place.It appears that an untethered wheel from a wheel chair hit Dame Edna in the head killing her instantly.

She will be greatly missed by the team, although Nicolas and Alex were heard to be saying something about getting a good looking pit babe this time.

Testing will resume in a couple of days at Mount Panorama, Bathurst, once track resurfacing is complete.


Ted Bullpit (no no Bullpit)
Team GONADS

[Airhead]

Interview with Hunter S Thompson, Gonzo Press Supremo Team Agression Maximisation.

"Hunter, the team has taken some stick over it's off season driver training regime..."

"Who have you been talking too, Muffy's on kitchen duties, Pammy's doing the final vehicle design and I'm here to tell ya that we have the ultimate weapon in Tracey. Why that boy couldn't find his arse with both hands tied behind his back. He knows one home, the tight confines of the inner sanctum, a place where he becomes whole in flesh and mind, what we did was break down his personality barriers through the sexual tension training, then hone the focus through the mock electrocution sessions so that we now have a guy who can drive like a flippin' demon with a rocket up his coit and has 18 fully defined personalities - Sybil I'll raise you 2 - he is the ultimate "plug and play" driver. New track, new conditions, too much oversteer (sorry, he means the car is too loose - Muffy) just say the magic words and the personality of your choice comes to the fore."

And you should see what we all done to Mikey...The full metal jacket approach to Banjo Therapy (trade mark pending)....

[wesley]

Maybe Never Motorsport announces entry in the 2001 Champ Car Series.

Maybe Never, based in Armidale Australia has confirmed Roberto Moreno and Dario Franchitti will be at the helm of two Honda powered Reynards.

Maybe Never Racing head Wesley Gleeson said "This is an exciting new venture for us. We started racing with the Remote Controlled Imprezza last year, and decided that we were ready to take on Champ Cars and Formula 1".

During the launching press conference Gleeson was also heard asking for information on "all those damned faces around the screen while he was submitting his entry".

[elephino]

Hesketh Racing are pleased to announce the introduction of a new sponsor. Dial1 Internet Services.

Thanks to the extremely bad service of current minor sponsor, iHug, they will be dropped and Dial1 instated as soon as I call them tomorrow.

Greg Murphy
Press Officer Hesketh Racing

[Murph]

Official Press Release.......Project 34

Project 34 is pleased to announce their participation in the 2001 Champ Car Fantasy League. Sponsorship for our Lola-Honda is provided by Roto-Rooter.

2001 PROJECT 34 LINE UP
Drivers: Alex Zanardi
Dario Franchitti
Helio Castro-Neves

Car: Lola
Engine: Honda

Pit Babes: Florence Henderson
Aunt Bea
Benny Hill

Press officers: Joeseph Goebbles
Ron Dennis

[Liz]

Welcome Maybe Never Racing and Project 34 Racing. You are teams 36 and 37.

Everyone please remember that the deadline for changes to your team (at least the parts that score points) is March 1, 2001...and due to the Time Zone Thing, if you can prove it was still March 1 somewhere in the world, you will be allowed under the wire. [This is limited to the world that the majority of us live in.] After March 1, we will still accept new teams, but no changes will be accepted unless your pilot resigns or is fired from the Champ Car team he is now driving for, or if he otherwise disappears from the grid.

[corvette kid]

Hope you have room for one(won)more.
TEAM.SANDBAGERS
DRIVERS.KENNY(THE SWED WITH SPEED)BRACK
HELIO CASTRONEVES
ALEX TAGLIANI
ENGINE.FORD
CAR.REYNARD


PIT BABES*SARA MICHELL GELLER
*ELIZABETH HURLY


PRESS OFFICER;DAVID PUDDY. ESQ

[wesley]

PRESS RELEASE
For release whenever it suits

Dear fellow Champ car fans

Maybe Never Motorsport would like to announce the signing of Helio-Castro-Neves to the team for the upcoming Cart Championship season.

Team Principal Wesley Gleeson justified his inclusion. "Well, we included Helium into the team to give us a much needed lift".

Meanwhile the team has been struggling to get to terms with the size and surface of their practice track. "Well, I began my racing on the Armidale Sport and Recreation Centre's skating rink, so I don't see why these boys should get anything better" said Gleeson.

So far in testing Roberto Moreno's steering wheel got stuck after his first drive. We have done our best to fix the problem…soap, lead pencil, but we just can't get it off. Dario Franchitti has hit the top speed of 20km/h (16mph) and subsquently hit the wall at the top of the rink. "The surface was quite unique. In all my years of driving, I don't think I've ever driven on polished concrete before" Franchitti said shortly after the crash.

Rumours ( of which press officers are not supposed to spread apparently) have it that the team has been in to visit New England Hobbies to purchase some new cars. NE Hobbies manager Ryan, said that he would have to order the cars in, and they should be ready by the end of next week. He added "But those Tamiya chassis fly.

Maybe Never would also like to announce that they are temporarily the Major Sponsor of the team. The car (and Maybe Never products and services) will be available for viewing shortly at our web site, which is not properly operational at the moment (the team principal said we should get all the embarrassing stuff off first!)

So if anyone can think of any other ways to get Roberto out of the car, please let us know. He also said something about a leg cramp?

John Howard
(Press Officer)

[Liz]

Welcome Team Sandbag - you are Team 38.

Dario Franchitti had better have the best year of his life, as he is now represented on eleven teams!

[senna12]

I believe Dario IS having the best year of his life, unfortunately, its not on the track! If you believe the media, apparently he and girlfriend Ashley Judd have become the new major Hollywood party couple. Perhaps this is part of his therapy to recover from the death of his best buddy Greg, and his own big crash, but he was thoroughly upstaged by Paul last year, and it could happen again, if he doesn't concentrate.

On a different note, Wescan Racing will be releasing a team update shortly, as apparently there have been big goings on at the team, apparently due to the steep drop in stock price of major sponsor Nortel Networks!
A press conference featuring team manager Don (buy my hockey videos) Cherry is scheduled for tomorrow, and any juicy details will be reported here shortly thereafter.

[angst]

Team name - Howard's Way
Drivers - Alex Zanardi, Nicolas Minassian, Dario Franchitti
Car - Reynard
Engine - Toyota
Pit babes - Hilda Ogden
Press agents - Howard Wilkinson and Alan Shearer

"In life there are choices, and only when those choices are seen in the light of other, less tangible circumstances can any sense be made of them. With this in mind it's understandable that this announcement has come when it has. Obviously I haven't made the announcement fully yet, but when I do I hope the intangibles make it easier to accept." - Howard Wilkinson

"Well, we've all been workin' hard on the simple things and we've put it together now, so we think now that we've came in and entered the competition that we can do very well " - Alan Shearer

[Liz]

Welcome Team Howard's Way. You are Team 39.

Two more days to change your teams, folks, so if you have pilot shifting to do or have suddenly decided on another form of engine or chasis, now is your time to make your changes. The grid will be locked as of March 1.

[Wrex]

Team Wrex (not wrecks I hope) are please to announce there entry for the 2001 season. After failing to convince Michael Schumacher to cross the Atlantic and the eventual break-down of talks with Mr Herbert, we are are pleased to advise that we will be entering 3 drivers as follows:

1. Gil de Ferran
2. Michael Andretti
3. Paul Tracy

We further advise that we will be making use of the Honda powerplant packed into our Reynard chassis. Sponsors are limited at this time, however Paul Stoddart of the Minardi F1 Team assures us we will get all excess sponsors that he cannot help. Until that time there are no Pit Babes (we refused an offer from Whoopi Goldberg) or press officer.

More information should be available before the 1st race.


WREX RACING

[Liz]

Welcome Team Wrex, you make it an even 40 teams on the grid.

Any more punters? Time is a'wasting!

[Airhead]

Transcipt of tape found on post mortum examination of an undersized funny looking...

Well just listen OK?

"i'm at my whit's end, i've been contracted to a ship of fools'lead by an australian who was a canadian and speaks endlessly of winning an obscure race over some mountain in a country of less than 17 million people, driving a Ford at that. bet they sublet the supply of exhaust headers. i'm sick of being fed funny substances from some 'legend in his own lunch time' gonzo journalist, whose greatest claim to fame was spending an unspecified amount of time in las vagus and riding with the hell's angels, and even they won't talk to him now. i miss the human touch of a female, any female! they say this is part of the plan, but they have to take the straight jacket off me then carry me to the car for testing sessions, what will the grid girls make of this? but most of all IF I HEAR THE SOUND OF ANOTHER BANJO ROLL, I'M GUNNA DRIVE LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW AND WIN EVERY RACE THIS YEAR"

Team Agression Maximisation - What's in a Name!

[Airhead]

Briefing notes for the upcoming season opener- Team Agression Maximisation.

Minutes of Meeting - Pammy Anderson ?
Present - Moffat (Muffy), Tracey, Andretti, Thompson

"Umm, before we start I gotta question"
"Yes Michael"
"Hunter, if we're Team Green, how come the cars are painted purple?"
"Michael, did you take your pills?"
"Hunter, what did you give him" asks Muffy
"The usual, you know, five blue ones to see the car, three green ones to get into it, eight 'special brew' to focus on the track ahead and seven yellow monsters to get him to engage 1st gear" replies Hunter S
"You've been laying of the Banjo stuff right?"
"As we agreed Muffy, as we agreed!"
"Michael, what colour is Pammy's swim suit?"
"Well Mr Moffat Sir, I'd say it was green, yep definitely green like the one she wore on Baywatch"
"Michael. It's red, or yellow in the Hawaiian episodes!"

Silence may be golden but it sure is uncomfortable.

"Well that sure as hell explains a lot of behaviour over the years, Moffat, the fool's colour blind, all those F1 cars he ran into the back of, all the cars he passes under the yellow flag, how he never stops for a red flag, how he ignores waved blue flags!"

Meeting ends.

Team Agression Maxisation - It's the little things that count.

[Liz]

PRESS RELEASE

TEAM MRS. FIELDS PIES PENSKE BABE would like to announce that we are ready for the new season and we expect everyone to give way immediately upon sighting our red and white cars.

Excuse our dust.

We would also like to announce that Ricardo Zonta has been engaged to give Bruno some tips to hustle him to the front of the grid (as far as 3rd place of course). We'd like to, but we can't. Eddie Jordan won't let him out of the Jordan garage until he learns to play the drums.

We are now leaving for Mexico. Adios, Amigos and see you on the grid!

Pedro "El Guapo" Morales
Press Officer.

WE ATE ALL THE PIES!