The Monkey See, Monkey Doo 500

[Dr. Austin]

If you have not read "We just want to go fast," this won't make much sense. If you have, then you know how seriously to take this thread. Please have a good time with my little fantasy and remember it is just a bad joke. Please feel free to make it worse with even more humor.
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How did we ever get to be such a bunch of sissies? All we want is just one race. No rules. No restrictions. The monkey see, monkey doo 500 will be the once in a lifetime speed orgy danger lust blowout of a lifetime that will determine forever whether or not we deserve to call ourselves MEN, $29.95 pay per view only. Maximum speed, maximum glory, maximum money. So what if we want to risk a smoking, sparking, flaming death? $29.95 ppv. It's going to be OUR butts in the bucket, so if you don't like it, tune into WOMEN OF WRESTLING and have a good time instead of spoiling it for the rest of the us. Have a beer and a good laugh, watch pretty girls jump around in their underwear and just leave us the hell alone!!!

We are going to have a great field of cars show up to fight for the $10 million winner take all prize. And even the losers will get a free plot. And with AJ as the cheif steward (no circus clowns here, baby!), You'll want to tune in just to see a couple of innocent people get slapped around!! Oh shut up. $29.99ppv.

And we all know AJ will enforce the rules to the letter. No rules, that is. Go 350mph on the straights and let the driver figure out the rest. Not that these guys will be capable of figuring out much for themselves at all. Our best and brightest will probably be sitting this one out. Hey, our chance to weed out the weak and stupid. Survival of the fittest, baby. This is REAL reality TV, $29.95 ppv.

Oh, come on now! Of course we are going to be responsible about safety. We will close off Georgetown and 16th street, of course, and maybe the next street over. Can't be too safe. Folks lose their sense of humor when a hot gearbox crashes through their window.... Onto the dinner table.... At dinnertime. $29.95ppv. God, the insurance premiums alone will be a bigger killer than any of the wrecks, and that is before all the lawsuits. You didn't think we were gonna get this one in the books without paying off someone, did you? But there is plenty of money to cover that at $29.95ppv.

Now, I won't allow the guys to risk it in cheap, flimsy car that blow apart on the slightest impact. No, we have to be able to put out the fire, flip it back over on it's wheels and plug in another monkey!!
Otherwise,there won't be anybody left after 5 laps. Folks at home will get cheesed off and not pay their cable bill. Then how are we going to be able to pay off the people on 17th street?

Look, these guys won't know what hit them. That's why it's up to me to take advantage of them and turn a buck. Hey, don't you think Coa Coa (the first space monkey) would have bitten anyone she could have gotten her teeth into if only she knew what they had planned for her? Well, hell yes, and so would these guys! But this is gonna be different. Coa Coa made it back. So, please, please, shut up before they hear you and figure it out. Don't screw it up for the rest of us. Not at $29.95ppv!

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[paulzinho]

How do I order!!!!

Seriously, that is just plain weird!

[f1manoz]

Austin, sounds like a bloody good idea.

Would we get it in Australia though??


More fun:

Have a series of randomly placed land mines on the circuit.

Leave crashed and broken down cars on the track. If they're in the middle of the circuit, well, say it's a new chicane! And if the driver is injured, let the Red Cross go get them while the cars continue racing. No Yellows during this race.

Prizemoney for crashing. The more spectacular, the more money (a series of judges will vote). Taking out more opponents also equals more money.

A gasoline fire 10 feet either side of the start line.

Fights between team bosses or team bosses and officials earn team points and prizemoney. (If someone is injured, bonus money!)


We must look at what the general sports viewer wants. They don't care who wins these races: they want to see a 10 car pile up and a car fire. They want to see the pits explode and men run around on fire.

[Raoul Duke]

Have a race throught the coty streets, like Toronto or Montreal, but withought closing the streets down from traffic!.


And no safety gear either(helmets, firesuites, Hans device). That's only for wusses .

[The Beer Baron]

Oh, come on now! Of course we are going to be responsible about safety. We will close off Georgetown and 16th street, of course, and maybe the next street over. Can't be too safe. Folks lose their sense of humor when a hot gearbox crashes through their window.... Onto the dinner table.... At dinnertime. $29.95ppv.

LMAO !!!

Austin I don't know how you were let go in the first place !

$29.95 I'm there, its about pushing the envelope !!! Let 'em loose!

Instead of 'take a ride with us' 'We just wanna go fast!'

Austin, is it possible to figure out proper steering for a Top Fuel Dragster, imagine if those babies could turn left , plenty of money to cover insurance at $29.95 ppv LOL!